Exhausted!

Been playing catch-up all month long. With plenty more to do.

Back in Malaysia

I figure it's probably the right time to mention this.

After 8 years spent in the UK, I am now back in Malaysia for the long haul. That's always been the plan. It, however, has happened a little earlier than I expected. I had been looking to return in the 2nd half of 2010, after I had finished off my 2-year apprenticeship. God's timeline was different. Regular readers of this blog will know that I had visa problems which meant that I returned late last year. At that point, I was still looking to go back, but in the end, it was not to be.

In a recent prayer letter, this is what I wrote:

About a month ago, I preached on Matthew 26:1-16 at 3 services, about the woman who pours perfume all over Jesus....The main thrust of that passage is how utterly amazing Jesus is, and that we should treasure Him above all. At one point in the sermon, I said something like this: "What if we prayed and worked hard for something, but don't get it? How we respond might give us a clue as to where our treasure really lies." Well, that was probably the most difficult part to say personally, because I knew that part was speaking to me as much as anyone else. Especially when you have to say it 3 times!

...I am, of course, very sad at this change of events, although at the same time, I know God has been faithful all this while and that this time of stretching for the past few months have been good for me. One thing I can say, it hasn't been boring in the least!...There have been many good things about coming home – from being able to be clearer with my parents what my long-term plans are, learning what the situation for Christians is like on the ground, being able to connect with other like-minded evangelicals. There are the trade-offs too: from not being able to benefit from getting further training in Oxford, being unable to build on some of the relationships I've formed there, having to move again for the 3rd time in 3 years.

For the year, I'm going to be based at SMACC. At the moment, I'm not sure what lies beyond 2010. Having spent enough time in full-time paid gospel ministry, I can say for sure that there's nothing else I would rather do, even if it is often hard work. Long-term, I hope to go to theological college, perhaps in 2012 or 2013.

I'll probably reflect on my time in the UK in another post. But my British decade is over. I'm back in Malaysia, a little (maybe even more than a little!) uncertain about what the future holds, but trusting in the God who was willing even to give his only Son to die for me, that I might have new life with him.

Why Theology Matters

DugDownDeep_Carnahan.mov from Covenant Life Church on Vimeo.

Fantastic video about why theology matters for all of us. Originally for Joshua Harris' Dug Down Deep.

Christianity Today has done some very good cover stories lately, and their latest one, The Mind Under Grace is very much worth reading. It's about how doctrine and life come together. A sample:

...we have to ask: Is it possible to live out discipleship without a good measure of heady doctrine? I see doctrine not as a boundary but as a compass. Its purpose is not to make Christians relevant or distinctive but rather to make them faithful in their contexts. Doctrine is a way of articulating what God's presence in the church and the world looks like. It can orient us by helping us, like Jon, major in the majors...

...Doctrine, while static at times, is meant to help us think about our lives more deeply by considering alongside other Christians the implications of our thoughts and deeds. Doctrine is wisdom that helps us clarify our mission.

Sarah Pulliam Bailey's side story Practically Theological investigates how teaching doctrine is making a comeback among younger evangelicals. My own experience in the UK, as well as in KL, where I have been doing some teaching, corresponds to this. And that is good news.

As a side point, a few others and I have been reading a little of J. Greshem Machen's 1923 book Christianity and Liberalism, and he makes some great points of doctrine and life. That is, they should be in tandem, not in opposition, to each other.

Honouring your parents: a short bibliography

Since there isn't much out there in terms of what it means to honour your parents as a Christian in an Asian context, I thought I'll just list what helped me.

Greg Jao, 'Honor and Obey' in Following Jesus Without Dishonoring Your Parents, Jeanette Yep (ed.). Helpful, especially in looking at the relevant biblical texts.

*Marvin Wong, Honoring Parents in Between Friends: Reflections on Christian Discipleship in the 'Real' World. He summarises and builds on Jao's work with more sustained reflection. This is the single best thing I read.

Goh Kim Guat, Confessions of an Errant Child in Kairos Magazine, June 2003, Building Strong Families. An honest sharing of the struggles of caring for an aged mother, alongside a meditation on grace. Available here. One of my church members also shared a similar experience in our church newsletter which I also found helpful.

Also,

Sarah Lanier, From Foreign to Familiar
Denis Lane, One World, Two Minds

These are two short introductory books on crossing cultures. Though these books tend to be geared towards missionaries, they're also very helpful for building understanding across generations, I find.

2009

It's been an interesting year, I guess. Ignoring my current state of limbo for the moment, I still sometimes pinch myself that I get to do what I do. I am extremely privileged to work for a great gospel-centred, mission-minded church, firm in its convictions yet generous in its partnership. I can obviously tell you of its failings as well - I'm part of it aren't I? - but of the 3 churches I've been a part of in the UK, it's still this one which I truly regard as my home church away from home. They just need to overhaul their website. :-p And working for them has only deepened my appreciation. When I was wrestling with the decision to pursue an apprenticeship, I said to God, (for a variety of reasons) this is really more or less the only place I'll consider doing it. And to my disbelief, God opened the door and said, here you go!

What are some of the things I've learnt and struggled with? I think one of the hardest things is the blurring of lines between what constitutes work and non-work. In one sense, that's a good thing, because it encourages a more integrated, "holistic" if you will, approach to life as opposed to compartmentalising it, a feature of modernity. That's one of the central thrusts of the missional movement, to consider the rhythms of our day-to-day life through the lens of mission. But it's hard too because sometimes you need to switch off but you can't. For the layperson, it would never cross their minds to consider church as "work". For me, it is and isn't, if that makes sense. It does mean learning to rest is very, very important. I now have an inkling what burnout might look like, having veered dangerously close to it in February. And like it or not, being a "full-time" worker also changes the dynamic of your relationship with others as well.

I find one-to-one work rewarding. There's nothing like being able to teach and read and listen and wrestle with God's word together, encouraging someone to grow in grace, to see how God's word and their world might intersect, to pray, and to talk about life together. Of course it can be frustrating. Often I think you don't actually get to see the results of your work. But it's great nonetheless.

Some of my other highlights: the conference I went on right at the beginning of the year, one of the best. The student conference where I was a leader. 2 hours in an ice-cream parlour where it seemed right to follow an important conversation about grace rather than take out my pre-planned Bible study. Money not being a problem this year because of generous friends. A mission trip which I was apprehensive about beforehand but which turned out to be absolutely worth it. Giving talks for the first time. 4 Person of Christ lectures which stretched my mind. Going to watch All-England Championships: Lee Chong Wei! A new Christian going great guns.

Lowlights: Cultural stress. Loneliness, for ministry inevitably carries some of that. A wish for more parental support (although relatively speaking, I think my problem is probably quite mild). Friends who don't want Christ. Orlando Magic losing to LA Lakers: well not really, since I didn't expect them to make the Finals in the first place! :) Of course, visa woes. If the UK Border Agency was a person, I really want to strangle it now. Strangle it! MUAHAHAHA....*looks around sheepishly*

I've got far to go when it comes to depending on God, but hopefully 2009 is yet another small step forward.

'Cause this is a healing song, oh and I've got a heart that fails
But love is pushing me along, I'm lifting up above this veil
This is a healing song, oh and I don't know if you can tell
But love is pushing me along
I'm pressing up against the rail, pressing up against the rail

...You and I, we've come so far
We've come so far, we cannot look back
- Healing Song, Bebo Norman

Thinking through ministry and parents

[This is a bit more of a personal post]

The past month has been difficult. I've felt really disheartened at various points. I've had a few...battles (the word doesn't seem quite right. Disagreements? Skirmishes?) with my parents once they realised that ministry wasn't just some passing fancy I'm into at the moment. While I didn't start my church apprenticeship 15 months ago by announcing to my parents: "I'm going to be a pastor/church planter/missionary for the rest of my life!", I think just doing the apprenticeship signalled that I was definitely exploring the call to full-time paid gospel ministry (thereafter I will simply use "ministry" or "full-time ministry" interchangeably to refer to this). When I sought counsel about the way in which I should engage my parents, the advice I receive was to keep them informed and to gradually open up to them some of my plans, so that it wouldn't be a bolt out of nowhere. I still think that was sound advice. And I believe that for the most part I have. I was up-front, for example, with the fact that I went to talk to a pastor in KL with a view to future options nearly a year ago now.

An apprenticeship is meant to be a testing ground to explore the call into full-time ministry, and simultaneously a stepping stone should it seem as if that call is to be pursued further. And to be honest, everything seems to be pointing that way. The work is very hard, make no mistake, but I love what I do. I appear to have teaching and preaching gifts, even if they still need to be worked hard at. Character, that most important of traits, is harder for me to judge, but I haven't been pulled aside and told that I have such serious transgressions as to be disqualified, if that counts for anything! :) Which is why I'm thinking about this seriously.

But it's hard to communicate with my parents about all this. My parents don't fit neatly into any box - on some fronts, they seem like very traditional Asian parents; on others, they have proved to be more open-minded. I'll say, for instance, that they were more positive about me embarking on my apprenticeship than I expected. Still, they've got a very different worldview from mine. And to be fair, the only models they have to go on are those in Malaysia. I noticed, for example, that they just don't seem to understand, despite me trying to explain it as clearly as I can multiple times (and believe me I've tried!), that people do get paid for this stuff, as yes, they do get paid enough to cover their basic needs at the least! Now, to be honest, I don't know much about pay structure and things like that in Malaysia for those in full-time ministry, but I am realistic enough to know that it's pretty low. (If you know more, please enlighten me in the comments!) In some harder situations, for example, a pastor will have to go bivocational. But that's not going to happen with me with the current options I have. I do think it will be hard. I come from a middle-class background, as is obvious from being able to go to university in the UK. So nice holidays abroad, for example, might no longer be easy to come by on a salary of your average full-timer. But it's not the end of the world.

There's also the "you can still work a full-time job and do ministry on the side" argument: this seems to be a favourite of Asian parents everywhere, as some of my other friends in ministry testify. Well, I had to explain the "full-time" in "full-time ministry", and the value of ministry of the word, but how do you do that when their worldviews are so different? It's made even more complex when I naturally advocate every-member ministry, i.e full-time ministry does not make you more inherently spiritual; there is a sense in which every Christian is full-time. But then to say that there is also a sense in which some people are set apart for full-time ministry. Regular readers of the blog will remember that I preached from Ephesians 4:7-16 over a month ago, which touches on this very issue. Frustratingly for me, it seems as if every church member apart from my parents understood what I was going on about!

And then there's the "you should gain experience in the real world first" argument. This one I've thought about long and hard, because this argument has validity. After all, I am very young. And I think every young person thinking about full-time ministry must wrestle hard with this. In the end, though, I think this one has to be decided on a case-by-case basis. Why? There are quite a few reasons. Firstly, it isn't always the case that you must experience something to be able to minister effectively into that situation. After all, no one person will ever experience the full range of possible experiences. If you get married and have kids, then you have traded off the experience of being single into your old age, and vice versa. Would you say the married/single person has nothing to offer the person of different marital status simply because he or she has never had that experience? Now, that's not to say experience in the working world is not valuable, and it could definitely give you unique insights that are not available elsewhere. What is it like to work for a prickly non-Christian boss? When everyone is busy handing out duit kopi? But I'm trying to say that it's not the clinching argument. For some, they will benefit from time in the working world. For others, it's not necessary.

Also, I do sometimes bristle at the fact that Christian ministry isn't the "real world". I've met up with a non-Christian managing director of a publishing company at least 10 years, if not more, older than me to read the Bible together and to talk about life. I've sat with a homeless person and warmed up his sandwich. I laughed together with PhD students and discussed pressing academic matters. I work in a cross-cultural situation as the only non-Western staff member of my church. Granted, my experiences of the world look different, but is this less "real-world"? The other thing to consider is the difference in age and how that dynamic works in an Asian culture. I've thought about it. And I think this means that it's definitely true that I probably won't gain a hearing from them initially. But does that disqualify younger ones like me automatically from ministry? No, it means I have to work hard at every aspect of my godliness, to be a bit more tentative in some of the things I say, to be quick to listen and slow to speak to older heads.

You probably think from my above two paragraphs that I've already made up my mind to go full-time straight away. Believe it or not, I haven't. I spoke to our long-term mission partner, who is a British-born Chinese (Malaysian and HK parents), when I was on a mission to X Country in the summer. He has first-hand experience of parental opposition. And he offered really good advice. One reason in favour of working a "secular" job is simply to grow up a bit. Now I think sometimes I am in need of that! But he cautioned against taking a secular job simply to "earn credibility". That advice takes on renewed force now that I know some of my mum's friends have been whispering amongst themselves about the son who went to a highly esteemed university but is thinking about taking a job that doesn't command much respect! (These are professing Christians, btw, and I confess to dreaming up some rather unChristian retorts). But that has made me pause about completely rushing in. At the same time, since I've been back, one thing that has been hugely emphasised is the urgency of the task. Malaysia is really lacking in full-time Christian workers, and more than one person has independently expressed their concern to me about the next generation and whether we lose the ground that was so hard-won. So there is definitely a part of me that simply wants to press on and not dither.

Oh, and of course, there's the classic Ephesians 6:2 argument, a favourite of all Asian Christian parents. I always think, how about verse 4? But what has helped early on is recognising honouring your parents does not mean obeying them in everything. Of course, we have to be careful - that doesn't suddenly mean you can justify your every disobedient action! But v.4 does provide supporting context. It's not just that parents are not to exasperate their children, but that they are to do so by instructing their children in the ways of the Lord. And so to honour your parents is to walk in the way of the Lord, in line with the task God has set them, which can sometimes mean not going with their every whim! (The mission partner I mentioned earlier also had some interesting exegetical support from Exodus, but I'm not sure I can completely recall it now so don't want to put words in his mouth).

Wow, you're probably thinking I've been so calm and reasoned! Trust me, I'm not. I have been upset with myself that I have gotten argumentative and defensive with my parents so easily and quickly! And I don't want to paint my parents as the veritable bad guys. I have to understand how their worldview and life experiences has impacted them, and I am actually confident that in the long term, they will be supportive. But it's been very disappointing not to feel their support now, though it was expected. And it is quite hard when you're treated like a kid when others treat you like an adult! They seem to think I've been very gung-ho when really, my temperament (and more importantly, the fact that God surely doesn't like impetuous fools) militates against it. Instead, I've been torturing myself with "should I or shouldn't I?"

Well, I was going to write more on some of the more disheartening moments in the past month, but those are nothing to do with parents, so that will have to be for another post. Comments welcome.



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Observations on being home

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am still in Malaysia, and have been for the last 6 weeks or so. The process of resolving whether I can get a new visa is still frustratingly slow. It's certainly nice to be back home, but once you've started getting used to having your favourite foods available again, being in limbo does wear on you. People have been very nice and have tried to be encouraging; more than one person has said to me: "You've been working too hard, so you should enjoy the holiday!" There's also no doubt that God has brought me back for good reasons, some of which I can guess at, others I might not know. But I am raring to head back. Anyway, here's a bunch of stuff I've been picking up.

Reverse culture shock #1. After being in an egalitarian society where 70 year olds expect me to call them Mike, not Mr. Jones, and to discuss things on a peer-to-peer level, I'm finding myself a little confused about what is and what isn't appropriate to talk about with those older than me. I think it doesn't help that there're degrees of differentiation too! My family would be a bit more traditional and there's more of a hierarchical mindset, whereas my church is relatively speaking, much more relaxed. I suspect I'm erring excessively on the polite side.

Reverse culture shock #2. So when an uncle (in Malaysia, anyone who is reasonably older than you is often addressed as such, not just family. No responsibility is taken if you misjudge somebody's age!) offered me coffee, I said immediately: "Yes, please!" After watching his body language thereafter, I realised then that I should have played the "No No" game, making some tentative refusals before accepting his offer. Ergh.

Reverse culture shock #3. Most of the literature dealing with this subject note that symptoms often include

Difficulties explaining coherently your time and experiences abroad. Those who listen don't have the frame of reference or travel background to understand.

Reverse 'home' sickness. Feelings of being lost and lonely.

The relationships at home have changed. The returnees as well as those who stayed at home have altered.
I think I've experienced bits of this, and it's reminded me that when I finally come back home long-term, whenever that might be, I would have to deal with this.

Theory and praxis. I think it was the veteran missionary Martin Goldsmith, who used to pastor a church in Malaysia, who said: "Asian (or was it Malaysian?) Christians are short on theology, long on ethics." By that he meant that Asians tend to dislike theoretical musings for its own sake, but want to see its connection to daily life, the "real world" if you like. Otherwise it would just be dismissed as irrelevant. This has positives and negatives. Positively, it immediately lends Christian reflection a pastoral and missional orientation. Theory and practice must not be separated. Negatively, this often leads to pragmatism, whatever works. They just want to know "what to do", and to think too deeply is "unspiritual". I bring this up because I am sensing this a little.

Bible study. I was also thinking about how our Bible studies work. In Asian Bible studies, it is common for people to immediately think about their own experiences and contexts and to share them as they go through a passage. I was previously very critical of this, and I think there is good reason to be. There's always the danger of reading our own experiences into the text and seeing things which aren't actually there. Tangents also often lead the group to chasing red herrings and completely missing the main point.

But I now think I've allowed myself to be over-critical. Rightly done, I see that there is a lot of value in just naturally intertwining our understanding on the passage with reflections on our lives. I've been observing my home fellowship group and though we don't always get it right (and to be fair, who does?), I thought that for the most part, whenever somebody shares or offers a reflection, it's been tied to the text and not just some random whimsy to offer a thought for the day. It's just their way in which they allow the Bible to bear on our lives. In fact, it's challenged me because I probably don't let God's word really peer as deep into my soul as it should. I suppose the cultural anthropologists might argue that this is because "Western" thinking is more linear and "Eastern" thinking is more circular. So while the principles remain the same: we need to know what the Bible says and means before we can apply it to our lives, there is a variety of models, and I know I can't lead a Bible study here exactly the same way as I would in the UK.

Social networking. Media commentators have picked up on this (eg: here, here, and here), but seeing it for myself was quite different. I was quite stunned by the virtual connectedness of the teenagers in my youth group. The amount of photos taken and placed on Facebook was quite something. Again, social commentators have noticed that we are once more heading into a world where the boundaries between the public and private spheres are blurred, as it was in a pre-industrialised age. But it's still jarring to see photos of myself that I didn't even know were being taken suddenly appear on the Net!

Spiritual warfare. I wasn't home for that long before I heard of a case of demon possession. Growing up, of course, it's not that rare to hear such stories, but it reminded me once again that it's certainly one area to think about for anyone wanting to do ministry in Malaysia. What you don't want is to capitulate to the latest faddish teaching on the one hand or to ignore the spiritual realm on the other.

Wrestling in prayer. I think I identify a little more with the psalmist now. "Lord, please help me to trust you. I know you are sovereign over all, I know that you are good, and that your plans are best, so whatever the outcome is, help me to accept it. [clenches teeth] Lord, help me not to be so half-hearted in what I just said. It's going to be hard if you don't allow me to go back, but help me to grow in my trust. But God, I do believe you are a generous Father, and that Christianity ain't fatalism. My prayers do count for something, don't they? So do the prayers of others? So I pray you'd allow me to head back - I don't see how that's a bad thing. [Pause] I mean, Lord, I'm not actually presuming to tell you what's best for me, oh no, not at all. But it's a fair request? [Pause] Ummm, but I know you're more concerned about me being more like Jesus, more concerned about being more like what you've made me to be than where I am. Consider it all joy and all that. So ummm, help me trust you again no matter what. [Deep breath] But...pretty please?" It's ping-pong prayer, back and forth, back and forth.

Sin. You'd like to think that you've grown stronger, and then you come into a stressful situation and learn that your sinful patterns are more entrenched than you realise. Thank God for his grace.



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Speaking this Sunday

I'm going to be speaking for the first time at the main service this Sunday for my home church. Probably close to 15 minutes (I got allocated 10 but I just know I'm going to overshoot, although I'll try my best to keep it short)! I'll also be briefly interviewed beforehand. I'll be speaking from Ephesians 4:7-16, and my brief is to encourage people to think through "ministry".

I am going to be soooo nervous - do pray for me! A prophet is never welcome in his home country blah blah blah...just kidding...

The Word in the week

James 1:13-27 is a mirror. Well, actually, it isn't just James; all of Scripture is a mirror, according to verse 23. It reflects reality, life as it really is. I was looking at this passage recently, and was thoroughly surprised by it - there are things that doesn't quite say what I thought it said, but for now, I just want to concentrate on verse 18.

"[God] chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

God is the subject. And he's good. Trustworthy. Generous. James make sure that our picture of God is right in the preceding verse. This is our God. What has he done? He has given us new life! He's taken the initiative. We had nothing to do with it. How so? Through his word, which is implanted in us, which can save us, according to verse 21. It is again, something he has graciously gifted us with. And to what purpose? That we might have the blessing of growing and persevering as Christians, becoming more like Jesus, and so give our Creator the glory.

I guess the main reason I mention this passage is that in one sense, it sums up last week for me.

1. On Tuesday evening, I went out with a good friend I haven't seen in several years. It was great to laugh and reminiscince. But the best part was getting to talk about Jesus and Christianity for 90+ minutes or so. My friend has shown interest in so-called spiritual things before, and God was kind enough to, through a friendship that has endured all these years, let me win his respect enough to gain a hearing. I briefly talked him through the big turning points of the Christian story: creation, fall, redemption. We chatted about how God was the Big Boss, the one who is in charge of the universe. We saw how sin wasn't merely bad behaviour, but how the heart of it was a wilful desire to place ourselves as God, which in turn estranges us from Him. I confess to stumbling a bit when getting to Jesus (the one place you don't want to stumble!), but again, God was gracious and I went to one of my favourite passages in this situation, that of Jesus and the rich young man. I did wish I had spent more time talking about justification, especially as one of his questions concerned that point.

We also talked about relativism and how on closer inspection it doesn't hold up. He was very honest and said that although he was a relativist, he can see how that wasn't very solid ground to stand on. He was also very honest in his own assessment: if the essence of sin was as described above, than he was worshipping himself, and well, he didn't really want to give that up yet. I listened too as he told me a little about Buddhism - he comes from a Buddhist background - but how he was finding that enslaving. Towards the end of the evening, he said something along the lines of how he was trying to find and please God, whoever he was, and hope for the best, and I felt led at that point simply to turn to Acts 17:22ff. Having gotten his permission, I simply read out Paul's sermon to the Greeks. It was amazing how relevant it felt at that moment. I didn't have to fumble for an answer, the Bible was doing the talking for me!

We parted, having consumed copious amounts of fluids, with him saying that he would definitely look more into Christianity. I've suggested a few titles for him to read, apart from looking into a gospel itself, and pray that God would be working new birth in him.

2. On Friday evening and most of Saturday, I went along to the Kuching Bible Conference, which I only knew existed last week! It's a conference seeking to encourage expository preaching by modelling it, similar to the aims of its Klang Valley counterpart. This excited me greatly. Expository preaching sometimes does have a bad name, partly because people have seen it poorly modelled and assume that it's simply another synonym for lecturing. Which of course, it isn't! Apparently Christopher Ash spoke last year, and he would be as good a model as any. This year we had John Carter, an elder from a church in Leeds with vast experience. He certainly worked us hard through the letter of Galatians! If I had one criticism, it was that he was good on the detail but not so good on the flow of thought, so that it was hard to see what the big picture of Galatians was. But ignore this armchair critic - it's good to see this initiative in my hometown, and especially good to see some of the movers behind this conference was definitely not whom you normally expect to be behind this sort of thing! Because how does God work? He works through the "word of truth".

3. The real highlight of the week for me, though, was Saturday evening, as you can tell from my previous post. Going to the youth group brought back fond memories for me. But without a doubt, although I was nervous going in, the happiest bits were spending some time with the Form 4s (that's 16 year olds) and hopefully allowing one Bible study to become a fond memory for them. To be able to laugh, discuss the pertinent questions of identity, and to actually get them looking in the Bible and be able to see that God's word does speak into their lives (and mine). My mum looked at some of the material I prepared and cautioned me about pitching it too high. So I had a look at it again, but I thought: no, one or two of the questions are hard and they'll need some guidance, but that's ok. They can get this. And they did!

Now that more time has elapsed since Saturday evening, I can now think of lots more things I wished I've done better. But God's word, as we looked at it, was working in us, so that "we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created." That's all you could ask for. They probably won't remember the specific study years, months, maybe even weeks, from now. But maybe the Holy Spirit will help them remember that God is gracious. Good. Trustworthy. And generous. And they'll thank Jesus.



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So you think you can handle it, eh?

I've lead Bible studies with PhD students, and I've read one-to-one with a managing director of a company, and I've told Bible stories to under-5s*...

So tell me, why am I utterly terrified to be leading a Bible study for teenagers tomorrow evening?

Maybe because God will decide tomorrow that BK could do with a huge helping of humility...

To be fair, I am excited too!

*If you thought PhD students asked hard questions, I'm sorry, you got it backwards...

UPDATE Saturday 17/10: Well I had a real blast! My group were a little quiet and shy understandably but we were definitely looking into the Word and having loads of fun by the end of it. I liked them, and for my sake, they pretended they liked me. :) Especially gratifying to hear them articulate the main points of the study and especially what Jesus had done when our youth co-ordinator got every group to review what they've learnt at the end. Alongside reindeers, murdering basketball players, and "The Shirt"....

How I know I'm not in the new creation yet

Nyamuk Nyamuk Nyamuk
Musuh kita semua*

*"Mosquitoes our common enemy", from a government jingle from ages ago promoting a campaign to eradicate places for mosquito breeding.

telegram from Japan

A friend of mine showed me an email from K yesterday. K is a Japanese whom I got to know during my undergraduate days, a former journalist with Asahi Shimbun (I think) with aspirations of working for an F1 Team. He became a Christian during this time, and we lost contact after I graduated.

He's now back in Japan, and my friend had written to him after reminiscing about years gone by. And he wrote back! He says, paraphrased: "My time in Oxford feels so unreal now, like a dream. I wonder if it really happened...I've been telling my Sunday school here, actually only 2 children, about my Lord Jesus and how we should love him..."

That was really encouraging. Japan has so few Christians, so it is really hard to keep going. Run on, K!

Sunday School

Despite the nerves, had a real blast teaching Sunday School today. Normally we split them up into more discrete age groups, but during the summer they get lumped into two groups: under 5s and 5-11s. I normally work with the under 5s, but was asked to step in to handle the 5-11s as a one-off. Such a wide age range was always going to be a nightmare! But I had real fun doing a drama with them - haven't done that for a while! - playing some silly game where I wasn't even sure of all the rules, and then doing a very short teaching slot on the Incarnation (!) and the danger of gnosticism (!!). Not in that kind of language of course! They're not that scary smart. Although I did show them a diagram which I stole from my notes on Christology. :-p The group were so charming, and some of them insisted on a very long playtime in the garden with me afterwards.

Do Sunday School every once in a while - it's a nice change and stops you from being overly serious and adult all the time!

Gone fishing

Not that anyone would notice, but just to say I'm away from next Monday for the next 2 weeks. I'm on a summer mission team to an undisclosed location. Am having mixed feelings: looking forward to it but am also nervous at the same time! I'll be meeting students, and will also lead at least one devotional. I won't have much internet access, and even if I do, will definitely not be blogging.

Do pray for me. Maybe when I get back, I'll actually attempt to get back to semi-regular blogging again!

What I did

What's happened since my last post:

This blog turned 5! :-0

Organised and led a sort-of-evangelistic event (badly)!

Saw my parents.

Spent some time wrestling with Mark 2:1-12 for a preaching workshop, and then subsequently gave a 10-minute preach on the passage - first time I've preached from the gospels.

Read a few more books - will try to update the sidebar soon! Tim Tennent's thoughtful book on theological reflection in global Christianity was especially stimulating.

Got upset as I handled, with counsel from others, a tricky pastoral issue.

Realised that Sharon was ready to stone me if I didn't get in that article I promised her for church magazine soon, so blitzed it and sent it to her Thursday. Am now starting to wonder if i should actually try to get it published in a Malaysian Christian magazine...

Finally found a night to go to the cinema to watch Star Trek. :)

Conceded that Barcelona were the far superior team.

Went woohoo as Magic got into NBA Finals...you can do it!

Cleaned my room!

The Space Between

I'm sure it sounds like a strange thing to say, but I was feeling particularly unMalaysian this week. So it was really nice to go to an event tonight where I was surrounded by Malaysians - the most Malaysians I've seen in one place in nearly 2 years if you don't count last year's Christmas hols when I was home. I went to hear a well-known Malaysian political figure speak - I won't mention his name right now, but you all know who he is. Even asked a question, which is rare for me since I'm usually silent at Q&A sessions since I never come up with anything good to ask. That hasn't changed - my question was pretty lousy and I wished I'd sharpened it up!

But I am in a strange place right now. I'm currently part of a British world, yet not part of it. Like something grafted on. There're so many things I just don't understand or am not comfortable with. But I'm going to need time to feel fully Malaysian again, I suspect. I remember just thinking about all the conversations I heard when I was back, and again when I (unintentionally!) eavesdropped on another conversation amongst Malaysians just a few days ago, and just being surprised at the content and manner of those conversations. I always knew that when I eventually come back, I'm going to have to deal with reverse culture shock but it's really been hammered home this year.

I think I really have a much better idea what missionaries go through compared to as recently as 6 months ago. And this is without even suffering a linguistic handicap! Sure I've read up a little on cross-cultural issues, but being immersed in a situation where I work alongside British colleagues and with (mainly) East Asian students, with virtually no contact with Malaysians, whew! Different ball game altogether.

But I know this is a good opportunity too, to just learn, learn to depend on God, learn what it really means to be part of the people of God, learn to expand my worldview, while I remain in this strange place. For one more year, God willing. It is really hard. Thankfully I know one person who is in a similar position to mine, and hopefully we'll get to have at least one time each month where we can share stuff, but in the day-to-day, it can be tiring not to have that resting place available to you. Or just as likely, I haven't learnt yet what it means to rest in God. There's an absolutely brilliant chapter on ambivalence in Dan Allender's book The Healing Path and here's a great line which I need to hear daily: "Faith that is founded on the memory of God's intrusion into my story and hope which is freed in the imagination of God's promise to shape my story for good combine to enable me to open my heart and live for love today."

Sorry, but outside this blog, wasn't sure where I else I could dump some of my ruminations... :)

Takeaways from the getaway: on Sehnsucht

This time it was the mattress in the corner of the room.

It had been a great Tuesday at the student getaway. Good conversations, and a sense that people had been helped by the seminar I was presenting. Even better was the 10 minutes when I walked into the kitchen to calm my nerves just before the start of the main evening session, which I was due to lead for the first time. There I found a friend, feeling a little downhearted that the day hadn’t quite gone the way he hoped. A few words of encouragement, then heads bowed low and hands clasped. More words – petitions delivered upward this time. Nice warm fuzzy feelings. Then off I went to lead the session and enjoyed it very much. Even shockingly managed to deliver a half-intended gag with perfect comic timing. And bags of fun after Bible time.

Before you know it, it was time to call it a night. I meandered into my room, looked at my mattress, and then all of a sudden, I felt inexplicably...sad.

But why? The day had turned out better than I expected. And perhaps sadness is not quite the best word for it. Because it wasn’t as if all those mountain peaks of jubilation, those feelings of bliss, had altogether evaporated. Perhaps, bittersweetness is the better term. A little like a cocktail of spirits and bitters. Great day, sure but midnight beckons. Another day. It was fun while it lasted. All good things must come to an end. Etcetera.

And I knew what it was. That nagging feeling that we’re not quite there yet, that yearning for “more”, whatever that was. Sehnsucht. Christian scholar David Naugle, in Reordered Love, Reordered Lives, has the lowdown:

The German term Sehnsucht describes this obstinate aspiration for something that satisfies even though we seem perpetually estranged from it. Amidst the storms and stresses of daily life, this "inconsolable longing" gets triggered unexpectedly and stabs us in mind and heart with a “pang” in most unexpected ways and times. Whether it’s elicited by a blue sky, a beautiful face, the melancholy of a requiem, the lure of romance, the crashing waves of the sea, the scintillations of sex, the profundity of a film, an illuminating line of poetry, a beautiful song, or an unobstructed view of the Milky Way, we occasionally experience a mysterious and tremendous feeling that attracts and baffles us simultaneously. We need “it” and want “it”, whatever “it” is. We are convinced it is what we have been searching for all our lives. (p.28)

But was it such a bad thing? Well, surely yes? Why would I want my feelings of joy to be contaminated by all these unwanted dregs of melancholy? Unless I’m a masochist. Or is this how it’s going to be all the time? Never 100% happy. Suddenly that Buddhist doctrine of getting rid of all desire doesn’t sound so strange after all.

But when I think about it, I begin to see, that far from a curse, Sehnsucht can be a gift from God. What if I never experience it? I'm saying I’m happy with current lot, with the world as it is. It’s the shrug of resignation. But I’m not happy with the world as it is. I shouldn’t be. Life, relationships, work went well that day. But not always. It certainly didn’t go as well later on in the week. I’m not in Eden anymore. Things go awry. I go awry.

Sehnsucht is that sudden jolt that I’m in a foreign land. I bear traces of Eden, and the world bears traces of Eden. But the garden doesn’t exist anymore. I’m homeless. I hear the echo of a tune I’ve never heard, news from a country I’ve never visited, as C.S Lewis memorably puts it, in Sehnsucht. For, as Lewis also suggested, the Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are far too easily pleased. God is looking to whet our appetite, ring the alarm to prevent complacency. And it reminds me too, that the loveliness of what I'm seeing is but a window into what it will be like, all the time, when God comes to take his children home.

Bittersweetness. But I shouldn’t just look at the first two syllables, but the last 2 as well. Sadness and longing, but satisfaction and contentment as well. The cross and the subsequent gift of the Holy Spirit makes that possible. I don’t just gain a new status, but a new life when God made me, us, his disciples. No longer a wanderer, but a pilgrim. And so a new mission. Surely that dispels any talk of being too heavenly minded to be of no earthly good. On the contrary.

That wasn’t the first time I experienced Sehnsucht, and it won’t be my last. When I looked at the mattress that night, it symbolised the end of one day which happened to be good, with no guarantee that the next would be similar. Jesus’ words take on a new poignancy then: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Rest now? Maybe, maybe not. But a Sabbath-rest spent in the presence of God in the new creation; definitely.



† Expand post

encouragement

Yes, am still really busy (panicky?) - and this is just to say you probably won't hear anything much from me this week and next, especially as I'm away on student conference all next week. Preaching seems to have gone well, and I might mention more about that in another post.

The most encouraging thing from last week? There's a lovely Japanese Christian couple in the evangelistic Bible study group I lead. Last Tuesday, the wife, whose English isn't very good, was asking me how I was doing, and then proceeded to say: "We pray for you everyday. We know that you care for us, and we want to care for you too".

Me :-O errrr....I think you give me far too much credit and yourselves too little...

It's little moments like that that makes it worth it, that keeps me going.

Life

Yes, it's pretty obvious isn't it, I've been pretty busy recently. Last week was particularly bad - I was really struggling and was grateful for people picking up some of the slack. My own diagnosis, which I still think is right, is that I was on a bad downward spiral: I was tired, which led to me experiencing culture stress pretty acutely, which led to more tiredness. Spending Saturday in London last week helped somewhat, though not perfectly. Nonetheless I thankfully seem to have recouped some of my energy reserves. The workload this week hasn't changed but I seem to be dealing with it better. Worked every single night this week! I'm beginning to feel like an investment banker. Well. Pre-credit crunch anyway. And without the money. Though there's heavenly riches yada yada. :)

I'm going to make my debut next week! Am speaking for 10 minutes on who is Jesus to a fairly disparate group of non-Christian international students. Writing this talk has been really hard. It's all about being selective as to what to include and what not to include, having to monitor any cultural presuppositions from creeping into the text - that's harder than you think! - and trying to find the right pitch for it. I have absolutely no experience of preaching evangelistically. Nada. Not even in a training context. So pray pray pray!

I've been reading through Ephesians with a younger Christian, and have found it both hugely enjoyable and challenging. It's been fun digging into a book I haven't looked at for quite a while now, and exciting to watch him grow and discover things he's never seen before. (Ephesians 1:9-10 anyone? Or chapter 2, a huge favourite of mine?). Quick aside: Max Turner in New Bible Commentary's pretty useful. But I'm also thinking through how to help him see for himself how the Bible speaks into his particular situation instead of me giving him canned answers. And more and more I'm beginning to see that if I don't allow God's Word to preach to me, I'm going to have a really hard time helping anyone do the same for themselves.

Day off tomorrow! Looking forward to it!

Zac Trust training day

Was at a Zacharias Trust training day on Saturday, which I really enjoyed. Especially when I don't have to pay for it! :) I got sponsored by my church. All four speakers were brilliant communicators, albeit with different styles.

In the morning, we had Alister McGrath and John Lennox on engaging the new atheism. It's the first time I've heard Prof. McGrath in person, and he's an exceptional speaker. His lecture covered what was familiar ground for me, as he exposed the fallacy of assuming that science was incompatible with faith. (I know I often warn against the cult of Christian celebrity, but I was sorely tempted to go and get my McGrath book for him to autograph!) John Lennox then tackled the ethical dimension of the new atheism, concluding that the new atheism had no basis in which to ground its morality.

But it was probably Michael Ramsden's talk that was the most interesting I've heard in ages. He surprised me, and I suspect, virtually all the audience by essentially giving us an economics lecture in the first half of his talk, as he sought to explain, as simply as he could, the nuts and bolts of the credit crunch. His basic point was that the current financial system as it stands is ultimately based on trust, which is a subset of morality. And he then went on to speak, ultimately, the gospel into the situation, and that what we need is more than an economic solution, we need to repent and believe! I'm oversimplifying massively here, and I don't think I've even begun to convey how electrifying the talk was.

We ended the day with a man of much wisdom and experience, the imitable Michael Green, who spoke on the confidence we can have in the gospel of Jesus. After being dazzled somewhat by rhetorical fireworks throughout the day, it was great to be reminded, once again, of what the gospel was. Michael Green expounded the gospel, seeking once again to open our eyes afresh, and proceeded briefly to offer some evidence we can be sure Jesus rose from the dead, and that the Scriptures we possess are reliable. A good way to end, especially since none of us will ever have brains as big as Ramsden and gang. But it is the gospel that forms the bedrock of our confidence, not the intellect of some big names.

Apologetics no longer floats my boat the way it once did, but I was reminded that the body of Christ is made of many parts, all of them indispensable, and so we must pay tribute to Christian apologetics for the service it renders to the glory of God.